As my girl P!nk would say.

"I've only been here for 21 years, but already my life is over."

---

It's so difficult to find the direction in life that you want to go in. I have been having so much trouble over the past month or so finding my happiness. I mean, I know I had a great time over the past weekend, but behind the front thre always was that inner thought praying on my mind about what I really want in life. I knew that I should have taken my camera to London with my, but had no real desire to. No reason behind it. No real enjoyment either. I don't know how people can actually live with themselves if they fake being unhappy and depressive. Not when there are really people that are sad and not happy with their lives.

Maybe I should go back onto those calms that I was told to about six months ago. Maybe they would help me find my direction again?

---

Just remember, that you we're not left behind.

I've been working on something while at work, I've called it, "My Psychosis." A further reach into my mind and finding out who I really am underneath it all. How I can finally reach my asspiration of being happy, with everything. My direction, my life and... well... everything.

I am just so glad that it's friday tomorrow. Saturday won't be any state of easy, but, hell. I'll deal.

Just don't know what to do with my fish now.

I had a really great time this weekend in London.
Went shopping all day on Sunday, brought a bollock load of stuff which I love to pieces!
I brought a Latex underbust corset, which I can't wait to wear out some place nice. from Honour
I brought a pink and black corset from Fairy Goth mother, and round the corner found sch a fnatastic skirt to wear with it, as well as a really sweet little mask!
Also got a new higher pair of boots.
Spent £125 in Cyberdog! Great load of stuff and a FREE beach towl! Woooo! XD
Got a couple of pairs of trousers, one pinka nd balck the other black and white.
Got a few things off the sale rail in Siren Fire.

Brought the whole of Kiddy Grade the anime.
Got the next two books of Errie Queerie as well.

Thats all I can remember off the top of my head.Had a fantastic time with Stef as well, though her other half talks to much and she got a bit shy so we didn't have the chance to talk all that much in the end. Seeing the fireworks over the whole of London from the 5th floor of the hotel was amaazing as well. Priceless

OMG! Lack of updates! Whoops! Talk about neglect! Ah, well, thats what I get for not having anything really important to say to you all!

Went out last night, listening toa lot of good music thanks too a kick ass DJ!

I feel really bad for not having done anything to TSU for a few weeks. I really should update a bit more often, and do something with it! Ah well, maybe tomorrow.

Been RPing as Danilia now for a while. He is a lot more interesting that Dragonesti, who I doubt will return anytime soon. His wife easily moved on from his death, so I have no real reason to bring him back anymore. Dani is a lot more popular as well. A good way to compare the two is like comparing Cyclops and Gambit. Dragonesti = Cyclops, stright and boring, Dani = Gambit a flirt and a total slut/tart!
Fun!

I have done another photoshoot with Deb as well, check the DevAccounts for pictures!

You Cannot Hurt Me Anymore

Well, you can. But it's not easy anymore.
Honestly, I am fed up of the life that the internet is providing. I have coe to realise that I hate the Anthro Art community, and much prefer life with The Sinister Urge instead. I'll stick to that, not bitchy teen's complaining that I stole someone ears. I'll ive that a pass thanks. So, right, I might be pursuaded to draw a few of my characters again. But thats it really.

I like drawing, or more aquratly doodling a bit of fan art here of there. I'd choose that over being complained at anyday.

Not done much too either projects I have undertaken sadly. I've had a busy weekend.

Mum took me too the coast yesterday. That was nice of ehr, a fun spent day out in the sunshine, eating sweets walking, looking around the shops and eating a pic-nic with chips. Just being silly.

Went into town today, to go to the museum. They have had a photography and historical exibition on for a while now. Then had dinner at Nan and Grandad's. That was nice too.

Not much else to say really.

God Wrapped in Plastic

Just a really quick doodle.Not sure if it's even fit enough to be put on TSU, so It'll go here instead. Enjoy, or try too. I know its not much, but thats why it's a doodle after all.

Nothing else to report really. Only I have another tablet, and love it lots and lots.

Isn't he shexy!

That's Mah Nesti, as drawn by Amanda Payne. I am in love all over again.

So far away from me

Thankfully my cold is going away. I have a bit more of a voice today, but am off work again. Which I am annoyed about, cause it was my last day in which too work with Suzanna. :(

---

Been Rping most of the day again, well when my RP parner is about anyway. His internet connection stinks!

---

Might be going out too dinner in a little while with Dad.

---

Not heard from Ash all weekend, I'm assuming cause she is busy working and the likes.

Run into the ground

I've been working pretty much non-stop all week, and today, I finally collapsed. Not in the literal sence, but I have a really bad cold and a really sore throat as well. And my voice failed me too. So, I called in sick. Well, Stu did for me cause my phone wouldn't connect, or they wouldn't pick up or something. And, they aqused Stu of lying about it! What a load of jerks! Pfft, dickwads! Really they are, all of them at that place. Well, thats a lie. They arn't all dickwads. I love the people I work with, but the managers make me want too scream.

---

Been Rping too the hilt of my gills recently. Nesti is a bit of bother about being owned and the likes. As much as I enjoy the RP, some of it fills me with dread! How can I compete with these people and the likes of their nature. I'll adapt and learn I supose. Til then, I'll enjoy it.

Your personality is the /mysterious/ type. In other
words, you keep your past to yourself, so
you're hard to figure out. You like to be by
yourself, doing nothing in particular, but
merely wondering about your life, in your mind.
People might try to be your friend, but you
back away, shove them away. Your past was hard,
and you don't let people in to help you.
Depressed, lonely, and a little frightened are
some words to describe your feelings. Listen,
queen of the shadows, open up. You heard me,
make some friends, and tell them how you feel.
They'll make you feel amazing, of that I'm
sure. You've got amazing talents, and a side to
you that you've yet to explore!

What Kind of Person are You? [beautiful anime pics, and lengthy details, as usual!]
brought to you by

Thursday, September 08, 2005

You shall not interfere...

I got a couple of my Mr. Sinister models in the post today, which really cheered me up after last night's ordeal! I get the feeling that i'll be unhappy again when I next see the twater over MSN though. Or, I might just send them a snooty E Mail!

but, Awww, my models! They are both on my shelf looking as pretty as anything! One was only a simple little modle, made of plastic which is supoed too light up when you pusha button. (But, mine doesn't and I am blaming the age) And, I love the expression on it! I really do, it reminds me a lot of "The Phalanx Covenant pt 2" When Amilea sp) Calls Sinister a Hot Shot! (I love that part) And, Sinister is all like Rar! ><
And, the other one, it makes me want too drool! A lot, it's clothing is made of real fabric. And, the cape is REAL ribbons! It's just so perfect. And, the face on that one, wow! It's just heavenly! He doesn't like too stand up though, so I may have to dangle his feet over the shelf. They are currently standing above my PC!
(I really should take a picture.. Wait a minue..)

(I am s proud of you!)

Hopefully the picture turns out alright. Me thinks its a bit of an overkill taking such a cheesy snap-shot with my Canon Eos!!

And, there is Ash (evil dead) and Chatterer Beast (Hellraiser) in the background, as well as various girly objects! Hmmm, Lavender Candles. If, I leave them there long enough, I'll find out Mr. Sinisters views on Lavender..

Anyways, a huge thank you goes out too Stu for lending me the cash til I can afford these myself. *hug*

Rant, Angst, Fume, Vent...

Ok, I know this is going to be the most crazy thing you have ever heard of, but I have had someone on the line (On MSN) saying that Sinister is their character, and that I stole him.
Now, normally things like this would blow right on over my head and, I'd laugh my arse off at them then go back about my daily business as if nothing happened. Which, I'll probably do in a few minutes anyway. Though, this person was someone I used too class as a friend. Now, seeing as I was out and getting drunk at the time and they had gone offline when I got back, I don't know if they we're joking, being serious, or being a full on fucking fuck wit!
I have never taken kindly to being called a thief! Never, and, for this person too say that I stole something off them, not Marvel, THEM! Is WAY beyond all comprehension that I have.

So, if the character belongs to Marvel, why are you upset?
Let me let you in on a secret! Whenever I draw, or have drawn/designed one of my characters in the past, someone has always sent me a note, e mailed me or something or other too aquse me of stealing my own character off of them. So, hearing this about something that NO ONE other than Marvel has a claim too, pisses me off ROYALLY!
Not only that, I posted in my TSU Journal that I feared coming out into the open about such things, cause I was scared that I would be haunted, attacked and annoyed by other raging fan girls/people. I guess my nightmare came true.

So, are you gonna stop?
Listen pal, there's only ONE way that your going to get me off the mental high (See below) that I am on! Despite being Angry, and Annoyed, I am still in a positive mood!
You, in the words of good olde Rob Zombie.
Your Never Gonna Stop Me!

---

In other news I was offered a job today at a photographical company as a photograph editor and spotter. I get too ink off duct marks on pictures! This may not sound much, but I am over JOYED to hear this.

How can you be super happy and Angry at the same time?
Cause you know that I can!!

So, what going on in that little head of yours?

What is going on indeed?

These past couple of days I have been thinking that I should actaully be doing something with myself, not just applying for a job in another pie shop, or as a supervisor in the place I am working now. I need to explan my knowledge further, and I feel the desire too better myself beyond all things that people would have believed possible of me. I want too take every little detail of study that one step further than anyone would have dreams me capable of.
I just, want too go back into learning again. I know I have my evening course in photographyy coming up again soon, but at the moment, I see that only as a study.
I want too go beyond that even.
Yet, I don't know what to do with myself, it's rather confusing. Forensics was suggested too me, which I think I would find fulfilling. But, what do you need to get into it, degree's? University? Is that really the path that I should go down. Could I really do the more demanding work that Crime Scene Investigation offers?

Only one way to find out!

---

I have been writing. In reguards to Project 1208, I am guessing it was a bad time to hang up my pencil for the pen. I will have too see what happens.

So, concider my DevArt account, either retired, or on hold.

---

What else is there too put here? Been keeping myself very much too myself over the past couple of days, being rather quiet. I've just not wanted too be around anyone else. I fear that people will be able too read what I am thinking from my head directly, like I have some deathy secret inside that I can't let anyone find out. But, this isn't true. I have never feared anyone finding out anything about me, at all. So, why the distance like I don't want people around me too know? I don't know.
Things, have been confusing, so so confusing.

I don't know how long this feeling of wanting to hide will last. I'll ride t out til the end though, whenever that is.

---

Choke Yourself

Put you hand into mine.

Put your lips against my lips.

So, how have things been for everyone else? I am still fustrated at home, but have found things too keep myself amuzed while I am here, (Finally) Hoping to get some of the Project artwork done today, been gathering idea's pretty much all week, so I should have something to show off soon! Hurrah!
Failing that I'll just obsess all day! People will figure it all out soon enough, if they havn't already. I just keep falling over and over again.

I have taken over a couple of clubs on DevArt, a Rogue and Gambit fan couple one, and the Emma Frost one (Can't remember if I said that one or not)

Not much else to r port.

Why do people keep diaries?

They, can only be used to trace you, if you have enemies!!

I, am getting so sick of things here. Just been told by Dad that I cannot eat my lunch in my own bedroom. Why, do they insist on treating me like a child, at the age of 21?

%20border=0%20align="LEFT"%20width=190%20height=233%20src=" Wow, what a lot of text! Never thought that I would be like him either. I, keep wanting to write again. Actually, I've wanted to write again for a very long time, but, I only ever fee inspired for it when I am out and about, and never when I have something too write with. Like, whenever I go to London, I want to write a Silent Hill fanfiction, set in the underground, and about one of the amrkets and stuff. But, whenever I am here, nothing at all forms. or, I just read/go on ym PC and roleplay instead. Maybe thats what I am doing wrong? I am really fed up at home as well. Getting annoyed at parents and their constant thoughts of getting me out the house more, and how happy I am that I am seeing less of Stu. I'm, lyke, WTFSTFU! It's my life,a nd I'll live it how *I* want to thank you! Only, I wish I had the guts too say that too them. Usually, I just keep myself locked away in my room. v.v;; Hopefully we will move house soon, and that will help things. Though, I really ust want to get into a place of my own! That would be heavenly!

So, how do I get back on track?

Well, things have been allright here. Had another meeting with Matt about Project 1208 (See link on navigation pannel)

I have been reading these great books by Graham Masterton, I think I told you about them before, the Night Warrior's series. And, rumour has it that he is thinking of writting another one! They also did these fantastic mice mats the series as well, I really want one, but have no idea where to get one from. :( Kinda, like my Dragon for life and my Utena ring, things that I really want, but you know, may get them one day, may not! You know how it is! I needa new mouse mat anyways. *le sigh* And, its so hard getting any visualisation beyond my own imagination for the characters. (Aside the really small picture of the mouse mat) I mean, my imagination for the characters is fine, but well, I want more. Like a thirsty person, wanting more drink! XD

I was, going too put something else here as well!

Oh, I am in despirate need of clothes shopping! I need an up dated wardrobe.
(Eep bus went by, scared the crap out of me!)

My, scanner needs sorting out as well, as in, putting on my deska nd shit, cause at the moment its being stored underneath my bed and just.. gathering dust! XD
Thats no good for 1208! Nor any NW's fan art (Should I do any. :O)

I was RPing for a bit yesterday, not all that much happened, but I guess this means my Haitus is over!? Yay?!

Lord, I gotta ask a favour.

And, I hope you understand.
I've lived life too the fullest.
So, let me be a prince.

I've got to be a prince, so that I can be myself.

I, got a bit short with Lloyd at work yesterday. Is that really how a prince acts? I, felt really guilty for it as well. Cause, he let me borrow his MP3 player, I'd forgotten to take mine too work with me. I apologise Lloyd. And, I hope that you'll forgive me. I hope, that I'll be a prince one day again.

Met up with Stu in town today, and we had a talk in town about the recent past. Once again, we have gotten back together. The past couple of days here have just been so empty and lonely. We, talked about how things can improve on bth parts, and I think we hit the nail on the head. We shall see, but, I am feeling more positive. I, never want to relive the days just gone by. Emptiness is horrible.

Besides.. I miss Bosco already x.x;;

Y.M.C.A

So, its all come happened now. And, everything is back home. It's strange. Really strange. And, I have no inspration to do anything now either. I find that I can't be bothered to RP with Dragonesti anymore, I hate the love triangle situation that he is in. I don't know about drawing yet. Not tried it.
Second Life, I have been on a bit. Brought a few things for our house, a couple of chairs and a bed. I hope you like them Kitten. Erm, what else, been working as much as I can, but I find that the free time in between is empty now as well. Just keep trying too keep my brain occupied with silly little things. Like, tidying my room.

Maybe I should just put Jenn back on Furc?

Sometimes, I want it all too end.

I just, want everything to come to closure.

All I want too do is eat and fuck!

I really want too watch house of 1000 courpses again! Cause, thats what the title comes from!

So, random shit thats happened? Not much at all. Had a really fucktastic weekend. Was suposed to go out tonight as well, but secretly, I missed Ash too much to make the effort. I really wasn't in the mood too either.
Maybe another night I will do! But not to night.

One day, I'll paint it black!

Nothing to report

Like the title says, nothing really importatnt too say at the moment.

Just, been drawing a bit. Opened myself up for art trades again finally, so am looking for people to trade with.

---

Actually, thinking about it, the title is nothing short of a big fat lie!

I met up with Matt on Saturday, and it was so fantastically fantastic! It, felt so right as well. I was so pleased that we did actually meet up. While I was waiting at the Boots clock, and he wasn't there (Iamalwaysfashionablylate) I was scared that he was either not coming, or had been and gone already.
We, went for a cup of tea in Starbucks, and conversation I thought, went really well. We seemed to have quite a lot too talk about. Which, was great. I was also scared of akward silences. We had a few, but nothing a change in conversation topic couldn't cure.
We're planning to go out Friday night, which I am really looking forward too. So that I can meet up with a few of his new work friends. (Weeee!)
Went too The Great Nothing, brought, nothing. x.x;;

We had a Wimpy together too! Like in the "good old days" It was great all round!

Had a Potty Sports thing in the evening, which was alright. A lot of people seemed too complain that they we're fed up though, which was really annoying. As Mum had put in a lot of hard work too organise it.

Had work Sunday, it sucked!

Went out Sinday evening too the cinema to see Charlie and the Chocolate factory. It was really good. Willy Wonka was really... odd! But, thats a good thing! <3

Stop trying to change who I want too be!!

I, am really really fed up with people trying and asking me to stop playing as Dragonesti, and go back to another character who I used too RP as when WE RPed, its not going to happen OK! I have stayed up too late too many nights to actually stop RPing as Nesti! I have sacrified too much as well.

So, if your going to ask me, DONT Ok! Cause, the answer will be along the lines of "GET BENT!"

Thanks Gaz

How evil are you?

---

I owe you so much!! Really I do! And, not for the above either.

Eternity Awaits

I, really don't know what to do. I am in real deep finincial shit. Mum, is trying to get out a loan for me, so that can pay off my overdraft. My wages just went into my bank, and the cash machine just ate my card, and all I wanted too do was check my ballence to see how much I had too pay off. I think I need about 500 pounds to be totally clear.

I need to pay off my camera, which is another 1000. But, I have a bit more time for that. My moths rent, which is 130, and my college course as well, 285.
I don't know what to do.

If I thught it would help i'd open myself up for art and photography comissions. But, It wouldn't No one would want anything from me
And, If I thought anyone wold, I'd put up a donate sign for paypal. (kizmit_star@hotmail.com) So, yeah. I am in the shit house when it comes to money.

---

Work was also rubish today.

Gangsters Paradise

*Yawn* I feel really tired at the moment, and no matter how much I sleep, I can't catch up!

I can't even remember what the hell I signed in to say.

I have a really short shift at work again tonight, and some stuff to draw up, but I have no energy or drive to do it again.

Don't you just want to throw a whole load of HATE at some people sometimes?

I had a really fantastic morning this morning, I went to a dog show. And just like last year at the same time was a Hunting Festival. Although I did a two year course in "Animal College" I am NO WAY against Fox Hunting. I love Beagles, so naturally, I want too see them happy in what they love doing. And, the ones they had at the show were perfectly adorable too!!

I'll see what I have in the form of pictures for a future post here.

---

So, why you ask? The angsty title if I had such a good day surrounded by the best and most cute thing in the world?

Because I feel ripped off... to put basically, I KNOW that I do not own any copyright to masks, but since I have only roleplayed as Dragonesti, I have noticed a HUGE surge of mask wearking characters on Furcadia. So, yeah, Jenn = annoyed about it! XD
It's just something that paints a big part in my character, and now seeing a lot of other characters with masks on, makes me feel really unoriginal. Even though, I was doing it a long time ago. Ah well, Justice will Prevail! And, when they have tired of their silly creations, I'll remain.

Damnation

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fifth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	High
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's" Divine Comedy Inferno Test

I'm gonna burn the whole world down!

I have too go to work really soon, for a bit of a crappy evening shift. 5 - 8:30 I really don't like short shifts like that. Cause they really do my head in.

Had a bit of a bad day, had to go into town and sort the bank out. Seeing as my Student Overdraft has expired. I applied for a loan from abbey, but they declined it. Great -.-;; I knew there was a reason I hated the Abbey. I have a meeting with Barcleys next monday, too see if I can transfer my overdraft too them instead. And, pay them off, rather than Abbey.

Erm, went into Burger King for something too eat, but had too take two burgers back as the bread roll they we're was MOULDY!! I can't believe it! I mean, hygiene starndards and crap ike that should prevent having ONE moudly roll, let alone two! And the manager then confessed to having more in the back like it, he threw them away! Thank God! But, Pukesville or what!?
I'll never go in there again!
No second chances from me!!



(The proof - Yes, we took a picture of a mouldy burger!!)

Then, went out for an ice cream, cause I just felt so ill from the mould... mould scares me >.> And, now I have a real bad headache.

I got signed up for my level two course, which commences in September, on the 19th. Can't wait!
Hopefully Tim will be on the course as well. So I'll have someone too talk too!

One day, I'll be a prince you'll see

I jut had this over whelming urge to watch some of Utena again. I just simply adore Utena herself and her attitude. She is just outstanding. I love her whole demeana. And, one day, I want people too think of me as a prince. Like people do her. I never want too see any of my close friends upset or hurt. I'll protect them, like a prince should a princess!

One day, I'll revolutionise the world! One day, I'll burn it all down! I'll change everything about the world, so that its a better place for everyone. But, that means destroying the one we have now. But, one day, I'll make this world better for the people who have it so bad that they can't eat anymore.
I'm gonna burn this whole world down!

---

Today, I was so touched and inspired by someone I work with. Clark, you have touched a part of me today, that no one has reached in a long long time. Your music is so admirable, and one day, I can promise you now. You will be a superstar. Your music and lyrics have so much meaning too me it is unbelieveable. When there is no one else in the world, you do have your Mum and Dad, they will always love you no matter what happens with school and other people.
I just HAVE too buy your album dude! And, I sure as shit hope your working tomorrow, cause I wanna listen to your songs again!!
Even better if you have the CD for me >.<

I really was SO SO speachless after listening to those three songs.

Clark Chapman, a name to remember for the future guys and girls. The one of few that make my day at work tolerable!

I wanna get out of here!

I really do plan on moving to America in the future.

My Way - Frank Sinatra

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend,
I’ll say it clear,
I’ll state my case,
of which I’m certain.

I’ve lived a life that’s full
.I’ve traveled each and ev’ry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, I’ve had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.
I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.Y

es, there were times, I’m sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried.
I’ve had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.
To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows
-And did it my way!

---

No one can know what this song really means too me.

There are two songs that I feel really conect me with my Mum.
My Way, though Mum prefers the Elvis version, we both want "our" versions played at our funerals.
And, Family Portrait, by P!nk, and, thats cause me and Mum went too see P!nk together, and I cried when P!nk sang it infront of us.

My Way - Frank Sinatra

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend,
I’ll say it clear,
I’ll state my case,
of which I’m certain.

I’ve lived a life that’s full
.I’ve traveled each and ev’ry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, I’ve had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.
I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.Y

es, there were times, I’m sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried.
I’ve had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.
To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows
-And did it my way!

---

No one can know what this song really means too me.

There are two songs that I feel really conect me with my Mum.
My Way, though Mum prefers the Elvis version, we both want "our" versions played at our funerals.
And, Family Portrait, by P!nk, and, thats cause me and Mum went too see P!nk together, and I cried when P!nk sang it infront of us.

Call the ships to port - Covanant

a billion words ago
the sailors disappeared
a story for the children
to rock them back to sleep
a million burning books like torches in our hands
a fabric of ideals
to decorate our homes
a thousand generations the soil on which we walk a mountain of mistakes
for us to climb for pleasure
a hundred clocks are ticking
the line becomes a circle
spin the wheel of fortune
or learn to navigate

2x
a choir full of longing
will call our ships to port
the countless lonely voices
like whispers in the dark

a second of reflection can
take you to the moon
the slightest hesitation can
bring you down in flames
a single spark of passion
can change a man forever
a moment in a lifetime
is all it takes to break him
a fraction of a heartbeat
made us what we are
a brother and a sister
for better or for worse
a billion words ago
they sang a song of leaving
an echo from the chorus
will call them back again

2x
a choir full of longing
will call our ships to port
the countless lonely voices
like whispers in the dark

3x
tonight we light the fires
we call our ships to port
tonight we walk on water and tomorrow we'll be gone
tonight
tonight

Nuuuu, the badness

I have had a really bad couple of days roleplaying. I dunno why, but I have just had a few really bad days posting. It feels awful. I just don't feel like I have been performing in RP as well as I should be. And, well, I think I have said before how important my roleplay is too me. (And, my few viewers leave now, cause they think I am lame)

Whooo! Dragonesti and Anika finally tied the knot! I can now have a real reason to be overly possesive over her. IC of course. Maybe... I should stop writting about my IC life on here. I think it might bore some people.

Hmmm, mainly been working this week, not had any time for anything else, what with the RP and the workingness. (DeJaVu) anyone XD

VNV's Dark Angel

In your dream you see me clear
I have no restraint, no fear
Powerless I watched from faces I'd assumed.
My purpose set.
My will defined.
Caress the air.
Embrace the skies.
Escape the sorrow and restraint of mortal cities.

Give me time I will be clear.
Given time you'll understand
What possesses me to right what you have suffered.
I'm in this mood because of scorn.
I'm in a mood for total war.
To the darkened skies once more and ever onward.


So many years I stood among the thoughtsand tears of those I served.
Among my own I was alone through my own doing.
All the years I walked unknownbehind the faces I assumed.
Powerless to clear your mind of what you'd suffered.
They fall again.
They fall again.

Give me time I will be clear.
Given time you'll understandWhat possesses me to right what you have suffered.
I'm in this mood because of scorn.
I'm in a mood for total war.
To the darkened skies once more and ever onward.

There is no faith in which to hide.
Even truth is filled with lies.
Doubting angels fall to walk among the living.

I'm in this mood because of scorn.
I'm in a mood for total war.
To the darkened skies once more and ever onward.
I'd only come here seeking peace.

I'd only come here seeking me.
It seems I came to leave.

so... tired...

I havn't felt this tired in a long time! I think its due to the extreme late nights (Due to RP) and cause of the overtime I have been doing at work. It's taking a lot out of me at the moment, but the last thing I want is too loose all I have gained in my roleplay. It's really too much to back out of it now. I have cut down on my Second Life though. My roleplay now comes before that and IS my second life now.

Not much else to report. Had a brief meeting with Deb the other day.

Erm, handed a couple of application forms around, and CV to a camera shop in town.

Sometimes... people get right on my tits!

Darai plunked himself down. ".. People are so nice, bunneh." was said to a large rabbit plush held in his lap. Head lifted, eyes spotting the blue figure. The evil. ".. Except those that leave YOU for your MOTHER!" Voice rose. Auds pinned back. His 'mother' was a fucking whore. Every single female was a whore. Good for nothing, lieing, cheating. Arms tightened around the doll. ".. And whats worse is a man beleiving a woman who cheated with him on her husband won't do it again just because their together."

Someone roleplat posted that at Dragonesti today. And, before anything goes on. Yes, Dragonesti did leave this character Darai (then called Dereki) For his mother. All through roleplay. But, the player behind Darai really won't leave the whole thing alone. I mean, we have been away from the brat for a long time now. Cause the player hates me for Dragonesti leaving Darai. I can't believe they actually posted this, out in the open cause of a grudge! And, to make things worse, as I was about to reply they just went! How RUDE. I mean, I take my roleplay very seriously now. And, too just up and leave after throwing that at me!! Bastards!!

I forgot what else I was going to write, So, I'll leave it at that...

This past weekend, was so amazing!

I did it, I met him. I finally met my idol. One of them anyway! ^^

I posted a picture of me and Doug Bradly over on DevArt, but I'll post a mini version here too.
It was really justa great time. We talked about Lance Henriksen (My other big idol) And, how they are both fans of one another.



I also got to meet Stef again (www.blondierule.deviantart.com) And I havn't laughed so much in a long long time. I am now in agreement that something was put in our chocolate brownies, to make us that way.

I spent so much money over the weekend. Got no wages left at all! I also brought a new camera on credit!! XD

I finished collage on Monday. I thought I had done really well, until we go there and all my beautifully mounted pictures started too fall off the mount. Cause it had gotten too hot in the back of the car. I was so annoyed with it. But, the college teacher let me stick them all down again and gave me some cellotape to help ^^
He also doesn't think I will have a problem getting onto next years course. Unless there is something seriously wrong with me work.

The days gone by

I only have one week left at college, so I am frantically trying to get my work finished off for it. Ack! I don't think I am doing too badly at it. At the moment.

Been back onto Furcadia recently. Been roleplaying as Dragonesti again. I love that guy *melts*
http://www.freewebs.com/drgonesti/
Please, go and visit him?
I am going to start writting the biography of his life soon, I have it in very mini draft in my little notebook, that I used to carry around with me a lot ot "Animal college."

Erm, not done much else, been to work most days and lazed about the rest of the time. Yay me!XD

Whats the story morning glory?

I went to Burgley House yesterday with Mum, it was a really nice day and we had a really great tour of the house itself. Which went on for an hour and a half. It was so interesting as well. And amazing athow much they had in this house. They have never thrown anything away and still have some things from the person who had it built.
Not long ago they had found an original letter to im from the Queen in an old trunk! Amazing, it was being kept under fishing takle. Wow.
In the afternoon, after eating a MASSIVE scone, and our sandwiches we went around the scupture garden and I got to use my camera finally, after photography was forbidden in the house itself. So, it wasn't a wasted trip. Phew.

---

The evening was spent at college, and me panicking that I only have 2 weeks left on the course, I thought I had three... eek.

Huraah, yippy and all that goes with it

Today, is the happiest day of my life. I found out, about 30 minutes ago that Doug Bradly is going to be at this years London Film and Comic Con. I went to the convention last year too meet up with Stef from DevArt and met Nick Frost (Shaun of the Dead) while I was there. I also got to have my photograph taken with him, and with Bishops suit from Aliens (Probably as close as I will get to Lance)
This year, is set to rock though, cause Elvira is going. And so is Doug Bradly. I really cannot believe my luck!!

I got a new look on second life, and a new name.

Xabala Backbite! The fun!


I also made a banner for myself to use on Gaia online (I am Xipe-Totec on there, and its my sign name here as well.

So, tell me again what the plan is?

Hide under the table until she goes away? It appears that I have been found in my old home again by Kat! www.medievalsorrow.deviantart.com

If your still using your Blog hun, tell me and I'll link you! <3

I had a really odd dream last night, that me and Matt still hung out. And, that we spent a long time talking about Anime, and this things that we used to do all the time together. It was a really nice dream to have. We went out and brought Cosplay outfits, he brought an UniYasha one, and I brought myself one of Utena. I'll be dressing as Utena nexy year when I go to Acen with Emma. I really can't wait for that! Squeee.

I have been at work quite a bit recently, and working late shifts. They are starting to get too me a little, especially yesterday, cause Sam phoned in sick, and she is suposed to take me home after work. So, I had to walk home over that bridge on my own. Thanksfully it wasn't dark and we got done before 9. It's a bit of a shorter day today, but I BET someone will ask me to stay and help out or something. Annoying.

What else is there to say? Been watching the original X men series. Gone through the first DVD now.
Just brought Hellraiser: Hellseeker, and Hellrasier: Deader off of ebay. Yay for Ebay goodness!

Not much else at the moment. I have to get ready for work anyhow.

Boooo.

I have to go to work really soon, and I am not really in the mood for it. Don't you just hate it when things like that happen? I mean, I know everything will be fine when I get in, but I just don't really want to work this weeks shift's. I am doing lates all week again, and it sucks!

Mind you, its better than what I was doing, and I can always meet up wth Stu after work.

My second life Pinhead Avatar isn't going as well as I thought it would do. Infact, its turning out really crappy. Which annoys me. The clothing is really difficult to get right and lined up. I just wish I could have gotten someone else to do it for me. I'll, see about posting a picture up of the WIP. And, then you can all tell me how rubishy it looks.
I confess I am not doing the pins myself. Stu is doing those for me, and doinga kick ass job if it too.
Maybe I can get him to do the rest of it as well?

I do have a picture on mountboard at home. A Fan art for Hellraiser, thats not going too badly. it's had the first inking done, so its just getting more detail onto it now.

Best be off, got work to go too. :(

Hellraiser club and wedding days.

I made a new Deviant Club over on DeviantArt. I don't feel so bad now, its nice to have such a pretty place!

---

I went to a wedding yesterday. And, it was lovely. I was there, mainly to take photo's for my friend Julie at work. But, it was such a lovely wedding. Thankfully the rain stayed off as well until after the photographs were taken. I used to 7 roll's of film. I'll get them all sent off soon. Thats going to cost a bomb to develop.

Though, its going to be my wedding present too Julie and Chris, so I don't mind. I just need to get them a nice album to out them in now too. I'll have a look about town.

---

Before the wedding I had to drag Mum shopping with me to find an outfit, which was really good fun. We went all over the place, but in the end I found everything. And, it all looked so pretty!! Trousers were black and Pink pinstriped, a really pretty pink top as well. And, some sparkly pink shoes to match!

So, has it all stopped?

No, its not all stopped, I am still here.

Not long finished work, at 10, and I a bit on the tired side. Although, quite foolishly I admit, I am looking forward to sleeping, cause there is the chance that I might dream again. And, at the moment, my dreams are making me happy. I know it sounds crazy, but they are.

I am dreaming about Lance, and about Pinhead now too. Its making me feel so much better. I wish I could dream all the time, it would be so much nicer.

In this dream last night, I was killed, and taken to hell, where of course, I was initated into the Cenobites by Pinhead. It went a bit odd though, cause one minute I was alive with Mum and Deb, on a strange station where I was dileriously seeing a really young girls arm decaitated. Which Mum told me was justa sign on the floor. Then I was dead again, where I was really really annoyed because the Cenobites had stolen Sams purse. And, they were really proud of me then cause I killed someone, yet at the same time were disapointed cause I wasn't dressed as a cat. In which, I told them to get bent, cause it was a dorky outfit! Strange.

Dreams of Lance

Work last night wasn't too abd. Alison was in a better mood than friday, which is good. I am pleased that she was, cause it was a bit akward on Friday, with hernot talking to anyone. She just said that she was sorry and had some personal things on her mind.

I am in work again tonight, until 8. And, am going to quiz night afterwards. Though, I am a bit tired, I stayed up late last night. Which I think was a bit of a mistake. v.v;;

I can't wait to go to London Comic Con this year. Elvira is going to be there, and I get too meet Stef again! YAY! <3

I had a dream abut Lance last night, it was really strange. I was dating Lance's son... I don't even think he has a son. Though, I was just using the son to get closer to Lance. Strange, then we talked about rebelious behaviour while sitting on his bed, in his very small bedroom. (Lance's, not the son's.) then, he put pencil shaving all over the floor, cause that was really rebelious. I don't think he got the hint...
I also had a dream about him the nght before that as well, while sleeping in Stu's bed, but, I can't really remember it all that well. No, I can't rememberit at all, only seeing his face. Curse!
The best dream I have had about him though, was the one where he was a grave digger at the local church yard. And, where he gave me his news paper... I dunno, that dream just made me feel special.

I think I am a lesbian....

So much...

So much for not having all that much to say anymore! :) Though I am rather glad that I have managed to post here. Otherwise it would have been a waste of time.

I watched Disney's Alice in Wonderland last night, after having a family BBQ, which was nice. It really is an odd film, but pretty much how I remember it. Old fashioned Disney goodness.
The night before that I watched Disney's Tarzan. That was amuzing, seeing as Kurchek(sp?) Has the Voice of Lance Henriksen! YAY! And, thats like the whole reason I brought the film. Its not in my Disney collection, its in my Lance one. I also brought The Last Samurai and The Day Lincoln was Shot with Lance in them. More too fill my shelf.

I finally got my Lance doll off ebay as well. After waiting for about 4 month for it! Curse import shipping. I must say though, as far from Lance he really looks, I know its him... well, Frank Black at least :p

Much love

Give me the power

Today, could have started off better. Stu left the house pretty early to go off too work, and left me in bed. Which, I supose was nice of him, but maybe I should have just gone home instead. I would probably have gotten more done. Espcially in the art department.

I really need to get an ID made for "Take my Revolution." Over on Deviantart. There is a link in my side bar.

I find it quite amusing that I still keep Trixie Furr's link there, but, I can't hold anything against her really. I still love her to pieces. *blushes* Still, whats past is past!

I still go on furcadia quite a bit, which, I really should stop doing! Its so adictive its not even funny, but its a place where it is quite acceptable to go round as your own character/fursona. So, I do. I am getting an Utena portrait made for me! YAY!

I am also on secnd life as well, but not as an Anthro, as a tall white woman, which loves to part with BIG pink hair. I am getting an Utena suit made there! YAY!

Take My Revolution

I made this thing, like I have something to say. Well, maybe I do. I just havn't thought of it yet.

Things, have changed quite a bit since I was last here. Infact I had to remake this place, to get this address again. And, I am greatful that no one took it while I was away. I had this address ocne before so I could keep in contact with some people. But, they are gone now. Which, makes me feel sad. But, I shall remain strong, and not be the weakling that I was before. I wish I could say, I guess it was my own fault. But, I still don't really understand everything that happened. One day everything was fine, then the next minute I was getting letters in the post, about everything, and they were gone.

I have moved on though, and will make new friends and new people to talk with.

I am still working in a super market, and have gone through my Animal College course. I passed that thankfully, but now I am doing a 10 week evening course in Photography, which, I am really enjoying too. Not got that much left, and I really should get a crack on with my workbook and projects. I will do. And, I'll do well at this course as well. I hope.

I still drawm but not as much. Mainly through lack of inspiration. I used to get a lot of inspiration from the people I used to talk to, before they left. I am getting it back though finally. ^^